Fallen Leaf

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Fallen Leaf

Post by BasilMeer on Thu Sep 30, 2010 9:51 am

A short emo poem that I wrote some days ago.

These desolate paths,
Which we used to walk on,
These beautiful flowers,
That you used to pick up,
Those times that we had spent together,
Those memories that you had given me,
Will stay with me till I am free,
Free from this prison,
That holds me back,
I will be with you,
When my time is up.
Just like these leaves,
Which rot and fall

This poem is about a man who's love died in a tragic accident. He goes on her grave and puts on her grave the flowers that she loved and used to pick whenever they went out together. The last four lines mean that the man says that he'll be joining his love after when his time in this world is over, when he'll die.


Last edited by BasilMeer on Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:02 am; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by IMP1 on Thu Sep 30, 2010 2:01 pm

I like the concept, although it is somewhat hackneyed. A man (or woman, i guess) who is remeniscining about his past love. I'm not sure I entriely understood. I get the imagery of the paths and the flowers and the times, but when it comes to the last four lines, I lose my grip on what's happening.
Perhaps it's the lack of a full-stop before the 'I will be with you'. But it's more the way I don't get the comparison between finally being with the one you love, and the leaves rotting and falling.

Now I'm not too great at critiques, so here's my version of the same poem:
Spoiler:
These desolate paths
We used to walk,
These beautiful flowers
You used to pick,
Those times that we had
and spent together,
Those memories
That you shared with me,
They'll stay with me
until I'm free.
Free from this prison,
That holds me back.
I'll be with you,
When the time arrives.

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"haystack".scan(/needle/)
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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by Catcat on Thu Sep 30, 2010 4:04 pm

BasilMeer wrote:A short emo poem that I wrote some days ago.

These desolate paths,
Which we used to walk on,
These beautiful flowers,
That you used to pick up,
Those times that we had spent together,
Those memories that you had given me,
Will stay with me till I am free,
Free from this prison,
Which is holding me back,
I will be with you,
When my time is up,
Just like these leaves,
Which rot and fall

Whoa, thats pretty good! I like it, very well done, I can only assume what this poem is about Wink
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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by BasilMeer on Fri Oct 01, 2010 5:38 pm

Haha thanks guys. Also IMP1, I like your version more, I'll add a full stop and a thing or two in my version Razz
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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by Elfsong on Sat Oct 02, 2010 3:52 pm

Awesoem basil ummm wierd though
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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by HopeEsthiem on Sun Oct 03, 2010 4:47 am

Yaar!Yaar an emo!
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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by IMP1 on Sun Oct 03, 2010 5:14 am

Elfsong wrote:Awesoem basil ummm wierd though
Come on now. Posts like this are useless. How is it weird? Is it a good weird or a bad weird? What parts make it weird? How could he make it non-weird?

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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by Elfsong on Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:03 am

Fine hten Imp here
well its awesoem because its a good poem I like how he did it
iIts wierd because its Emo
There HappY?
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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by IMP1 on Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:27 am

Elfsong wrote:Fine hten Imp here
well its awesoem because its a good poem I like how he did it
iIts wierd because its Emo
There HappY?
Well, slightly more happy. Before I thought you might have something useful to say, but weren't expressing it well. Now I know you didn't have anything useful to say.

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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by Vectomon on Sun Oct 03, 2010 12:13 pm

Oh, you showed me this via MSN. I can't give useful critique since I never touched poetry, but I like it. I'm not really sure about the "Wich is holding me back" part, it seems kinda out of place - But I don't know how to improve it, so you'll have to trust IMP on that one.

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...if you know what I mean. Wink

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Re: Fallen Leaf

Post by BasilMeer on Mon Oct 04, 2010 4:03 am

Thanks Vecto and yeah, I changed "Which is holding me back" to "That holds me back". Thanks for that new version IMP1.
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